


I Will Miss You

by Warlock_Pirate_Demigod



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Angst, Historical Inaccuracy, Jamilton - Freeform, M/M, Tears, fluff kinda at some point but it's still sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-18
Updated: 2018-07-18
Packaged: 2019-06-12 15:37:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,448
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15342972
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Warlock_Pirate_Demigod/pseuds/Warlock_Pirate_Demigod
Summary: A few hours before the Hamilton-Burr duel and a few hours laterIt’s all about Jamilton basicallyLots of tears, both from the characters and myselfBeware: you may want some time to cry and to think about your life after reading this. Also, make sure you have tissues nearby you. You're gonna need them.





	I Will Miss You

**Author's Note:**

> Hamilton fanfic number 3!  
> As always checked by my Hamilfriend 
> 
> This one is sad too, but I promise the next one will be a cute one
> 
> There is probably a lot of historical inaccuracy, but I decided to ignore it for this one.
> 
> Enjoy (:

“Don’t go.”

 

Thomas was staring right into his eyes, with a hand placed gently on his arm, close enough to feel his breath on his face in the intimacy of Thomas’s office, where no one could see or hear them. No one could see the desperation in the Virginian’s eyes, except for him.

 

“Alexander, please, don’t go.”

 

Alex’s heart broke at the sight of his lover so hurt, even more because he was the one who was hurting him.

 

_Thomas, I’m so sorry._

 

“I have to,” he said, trying to hide the crack in his own voice.

“No, you don’t, you could-”

“I won’t apologize.”

“You could find a compromise.”

 

Alex swallowed hard. _So, so sorry._ “There is none to be found. Burr won’t let it go that easily. Every single thing I’ve said is true. I definitely won’t take it back, so there’s no other choice.”

 

They looked at each other for, how long? Hours? At least that was how it felt for him. He could stand there with Thomas forever, never go face Burr and stay there with him and nothing else would matter.

 

But that’s not how it works. His honor was at stake. He couldn’t take anything back, he couldn’t not show up and he couldn’t apologize. All he could do was go and face Aaron Burr in that damn duel.

 

Jefferson opened his mouth to say something, maybe another plea, maybe any idea that he thought could make him avoid the inevitable, but Hamilton didn’t give him the chance to say it. He kissed him hard and desperate, as if that single kiss alone could keep him safe. When they finally broke apart, they pressed their foreheads together, breathing hard. Alex kept his eyes shut and could bet that the other man was doing the same.

 

“I’ll pass by your home on my way there later, I’m writing you a letter in case I-”

“Don’t say it.”

“Thomas-”

“Don’t say it. Leave me the hope that you could come back.”

 

Hamilton opened his eyes and found himself staring into Jefferson’s.

 

“Okay,” he breathed out, and walked away, making his way to the door, when he felt Thomas turning him around and kissing him again, and again, and again.

 

“I’ll see you before dawn.”

“See you before dawn.”

 

*

 

Alexander was sitting at his desk, the pages in front of him lit by the faint light of a candle. He was writing two letters, in case he didn’t survive the duel.

 

First he wrote one to Eliza. He had so much to write, to say and to apologize for.

 

Then he started writing the one for Thomas, which he was going to give him personally, instead of giving it to Pendleton, his second for the duel, like he was going to do with Eliza’s.

 

He certainly couldn’t tell him: _hey give this one to President Thomas Jefferson, my sworn enemy. Don’t ask questions._

 

He took a deep breath and started writing.

 

_My dear, Thomas,..._

 

*

 

Alexander knocked on the door and waited. The night was still dark.

 

He had woken Eliza up by mistake, but he had managed to avoid telling her about the duel. She would have tried to stop him, just like Thomas had done. Besides, he didn’t want to worry her. He would have kept it from Jefferson as well, if he hadn’t heard his conversation with Burr.

 _I’ll be back before you know I’m gone_ , he had said to his wife, and she had gone back to sleep.

 

After a couple of minutes waiting outside the door, he started worrying. _What if he’s asleep? What if I don’t get to see him before the duel? Where do I leave the letter?_

 

Before he could start panicking, the door opened and he immediately thought it would have been easier if he hadn’t seen him.

 

Thomas didn’t give him time to say anything, because he pulled him into a tight hug. Alex hugged back with the same force and urgency.

 

He wished he could walk in, fall asleep next to him and never leave.

 

It was even worse when the other man started shaking and a sob came out from his lips, holding him even tighter than he thought it was possible, and tears started to trail down Hamilton’s cheeks too.

 

Thomas leaned back just enough to be able to look at him, cupped Alex’s face with his hands and pressed their foreheads together.

 

“I love you. I love you so much. Stay with me. Don’t go. _Please,_ ” he whispered, but it was more of an automatic thing he was repeating than another attempt to stop him. He was going, and they both knew there was nothing either of them could do to change that.

 

Alexander cried harder. “I’m so sorry, Thomas, so, so sorry. I love you too. I love you, I’m sorry.”

 

They kept repeating love confessions and apologies for an eternity, that in reality was probably just a minute. Then Alex reached for the pocket of his jacket and gave to his lover the letter that he got out of it.

 

“You’ll know if you have to read it. Don’t open it until-” his voice cracked and he closed his eyes, burying his face in Thomas’s neck and taking deep breaths. He could feel him pressing his face into his hair, kissing the top of his head.

 

“I have to go. Get some sleep, Thomas,” Alex said sweetly, pulling back and stroking the other’s face with his hand. Jefferson scoffed, “sure, as if I could sleep.”

 

Hamilton tried. He really did, but couldn’t get the words to leave his mouth, which was rare for him. He couldn’t say this _goodbye._

 

So instead he said, “you’re the biggest jerk I’ve ever met.”

 

And it was definitely the right thing to say, if it made Thomas actually laugh. That laugh that made Alex fall in love with him more every time he heard it.

 

“And you’re a pain in the ass. I love you too.”

 

“I love you.”

 

And just like that he turned around and walked away, without turning back, because if he had done it, he would have seen Thomas laying against his door, sobbing, and he would have never been able to go.

 

*

_One_

_Two_

_Three_

_Four_

_Five_

_Six_

_Seven_

_Eight_

_Nine_

_I aim my pistol at the sky_

_Number ten paces_

_I throw away my shot_

_Fire_

 

“WAIT!”

 

*

 

*

 

*

 

Thomas woke up with the sunlight filtering through his window and hitting his face.

 

He hadn’t even realized he had fallen asleep. He was sure he had been up for at least a few hours after Alex had been there-

 

 _Alexander_.

 

Panic started rising in his chest. Dawn had long passed. The duel was certainly over. Alex could already be...

 

No. He didn’t know. He could have survived. He could have shot Burr first. They could have reached a peace. Neither of them could have shot.

 

He dressed up quickly and walked to the front door. Then stopped to glance at the table where the letter was. Alex’s letter.

 

He swallowed down the fear, took it, hid it in a pocket and left.

 

The ride in his carriage was the longest he had ever experienced. He prayed silently, like he had done the whole night before.

 

_Please, don’t be dead. Please, Lord, let him still be alive. Please._

He walked into the President’s House and sped to his office without making eye contact with anyone, panic rising every second more. Everyone who was there already knew what happened. News traveled incredibly fast, most of all if it was about either Aaron Burr or Alexander Hamilton being killed by the other.

 

_He’s not here. He would be here._

 

Thomas pushed away the thought as he reached his office. James Madison was standing right in front of the door. When they looked at each other, James’s expression was unreadable.

 

_He knows._

His friend opened the door without saying a word and followed him into his office, closing it again behind him.

 

“You know,” Thomas stated, and his voice was cracking already, because _Hamilton_ _was not there_ and never once in those years he had wished to see his damn smart mouth smirking at him and telling him that he was alive and well and that not even Aaron Burr could get rid of him that easily.

 

“Thomas-” James tried to say something, but the other Virginian stopped him.

 

“Just tell me. Please.”

 

_He wouldn’t be hesitating if he was fine. Oh God, please, don’t be dead._

Madison was the only one who knew about Thomas and Alex and in more than one occasion he had helped them hide their relationship.

 

He took a deep breath and started talking. “He was brought in the hospital short after dawn, with a wound right between his ribs. Eliza and Angelica were by his side when...” he trailed down, looking at the floor. “Thomas, I’m so sorry.”

 

Thomas stopped breathing for a couple of seconds. Then realization struck him.

 

He leaned on his desk with his back, almost sitting on it, keeping his balance with a hand, because if he wouldn’t have, he would have sank down on his knees.

 

“Leave, please.” His voice was barely a whisper. James walked out and locked the door.

 

_It can’t be. He can’t-_

“You can’t leave me like this. Please. Please don’t be dead. _Please._ ”

 

He kept repeating things like _please, no_ and _don’t_ so much that they lost all meanings at some point.

 

Thomas dropped on the ground, sitting, laying his head on his knees, gripping his hair so hard it would have hurt, if he had cared.

 

But nothing hurt more than the thought of Alex being _gone_. He would have never seen him again, never seen his smile again, never heard his voice again, never kissed him again.

 

He was gone. He was gone and there was nothing that Thomas could do to change that. His Alexander was gone.

 

After some time, Thomas didn’t know how much, he remembered something and felt the weight in the pocket of his jacket.

 

The letter.

 

He smiled a weak smile when he grabbed it.

 

_Of course. Of course that’s the last thing you leave me._

 

Alexander had always wrote like he was running out of time, but this time he really was.

 

It read just _Thomas_ on the back.

 

He took a deep breath, working up the courage to open it.

 

 

_My dear, Thomas,_

_if you are reading this letter it means that I have been killed in the duel with Aaron Burr._

_I know that you are furious with him, I really do, but don’t do anything that you will regret doing. Please, Thomas, do not kill your Vice President. I hold no grudges against him._

_This is my last chance to tell you anything, so I intend to fully use it._

_I remember the beginning of our relationship, how we have done and said shameful things, but I also remember how we grew fond of each other and how we eventually fell in love._

_You are aware of my past relationship with John Laurens during the revolution, and how miserable I was after his death. I thought I could have never felt the same love for anyone ever again. Yes, I love my children with all my soul and I truly have loved Eliza, but without him, my world crumbled._

_Until you came along and made my days happier and more interesting. You constantly stood up to me and never told me that I was right just for the sake of shutting me up. Every argument, every discussion, every conversation. Thomas, you were the only one that matched my wit and stubbornness in the cabinet. And, Dear Lord, have I loved you._

_I love you, Thomas. I love you so much and it hurts how we could never be together without the fear of other people discovering the truth about us ._

_I am so sorry. So sorry for leaving you and for hurting you like this. I know how it feels and I wish I could not make you go through this._

_Forgive me for leaving you._

_I am now thinking about the day when we kissed for the first time. I am sure you remember that. It was the first night after I had published the Pamphlet. I could not go back home, could not face Eliza and the children after what I had done, so I planned on sleeping at work. You were still there, even if it was late. You came into my office and we talked. It was the first time we had a conversation without arguing, and I recall thinking that I liked you a lot more when you were nice. It was the first time I saw you as the person outside of our jobs. No surprise I fell in love almost instantly. I let you get into my heart and head and you’ve never left since._

_Thank you. Thank you for being by my side that night. Thank you for having made my days bearable. Thank you for always having been there for me. Thank you for putting up with me and all the talking I have done. Thank you for loving me._

_When Philip died, everything went down again. I had to move uptown with my family. I needed to be with them. I owed them so much after all the bad I had done._

_But I missed you. I missed you the whole time._

_I wish I could write everything I have failed to show or tell you._

_I wish I could fill pages and pages telling you how much I love you but it still would not be enough._

_I love your mind. I love how you’ve always been the smartest person to talk to at work. I love how there has never been a boring day or moment with you. I cherish every single memory I have with you, whether it is an argument or one of the sweetest moments we’ve shared._

_I have only one request: don’t forget me, Thomas. Please, don’t forget us. Don’t forget our times together._

_I will never forget._

_My Thomas. My love. My dear._

_I will see you on the other side._

_Until then, tu me manqueras._

_Yours forever,_

_Alexander_

 

 

Thomas closed his eyes and cried. Cried holding the letter close to his chest and thinking about the years they had spent together.

 

_Tu me manqueras aussi, Alexander._

_I will never forget you._

_I love you and I forever will. I will miss everything about you, I already do._

_I miss you so much already._

_Forever yours, my love._

_Je t’aime._

**Author's Note:**

> I cried writing it, just FYI
> 
> Two things, in case you didn’t know:
> 
> -Tu me manqueras (aussi) is French for “I will miss you (too)”  
> It may be wrong, cause I don’t speak French, so feel free to tell me if there is a better way to say it
> 
> -The President’s House is how the White House was called in those years
> 
> (Kudos and comments make me very happy, so leave them if you want)


End file.
